A mother is also born.
My Motherhood Journey began the moment I saw those precious lines on the pregnancy test, and I spent the next nine months doing everything I could to prepare for the indescribable life change of bringing a baby into this world.
I remember downloading all the apps that gave me weekly updates on my baby’s size and development. I joined online groups to share experiences and ask questions, like 'why does it feel like someone has kicked me in the crotch!' I spent endless hours sewing and decorating the baby's room, even though they’d not sleep in there for months and months. I attended a birth class and tried to figure out what on earth to include in my birth plan, which I never ended up finishing. I remember reading blogs about what to pack in my hospital bag, and everyone online fussing about if they packed too many or not enough onesies! Thinking about it all seems so silly now, all this stressing over such little things that don’t really matter. But it was the only way I could maintain some control over my life. My body was changing daily, and my future was completely unknown!
Then baby arrives, and I remember being consumed by all of these new emotions I didn’t know existed! Exhaustion that was crushing, relief that was intense, and love so strong for someone you just met. Oh, and let's not forget the giant overwhelm of responsibility when you realise, crap I have to keep this baby alive? *Cue the new stresses* Have they fed enough, pooped enough, fed too much, pooped too much. Are they sleeping long enough or too much? Am I encouraging bad habits by rocking them to sleep?
Getting home after a few days in hospital, I remember being hit out of nowhere, with sadness and grief over my birth (thanks raging hormones and baby blues!). I sat in pain, looking down at the horrible new scar on my lower abdomen, feeling completely lost, and like a stranger in my own skin. I felt weak, and I felt like a failure. But how ungrateful am I? I just had a healthy baby, and I’m okay, I shouldn’t feel this way! *Cue the guilt and shame*.
I remember thirst like I had never felt before, drinking so much water to keep up with feeding demands. My nipples were cracked, boobs hard like rocks, and I leaked through everything I wore. My belly skin sagged, it was a MISSION to sit and get up out of bed to feed because my abdomen no longer functioned as it should (why don’t they warn you this?), and I couldn’t carry anything heavier than my baby, thanks to my emergency cesarean.
While yes, during pregnancy I felt somewhat like another person had hijacked my body. But this was different. I looked in the mirror, and didn’t know who I saw. I had dreamt of this my whole life! This was the one thing I was certain I wanted above everything else. I imagined my life as a mother, daydreaming whilst cradling my pregnant belly. Had done everything I could to prepare. But here now, was this stranger, looking back at me with fear and confusion, wondering what on earth she was going to do.
Fast forward nearly four years, and two more kids later. I had spent the first years of motherhood going through the paces, and I feel like I was handling the being a mum part alright. But every now and then, in one way or another, I would get prompted with the question of “Who am I?” or "Describe yourself". I would ponder, ummmm I’m a mum? I’m a wife. I like to sew and bake. I used to be a teacher but don’t want to do that again. But other than that, absolutely NO CLUE. I had never really stopped and taken time to really get to know the new me. I don’t know my strengths, my values, what I want to do with my life. I was completely lost. I spent all this time preparing things for my baby, and making sure I had everything I need, but no one ever told me I should also prepare for the changes I was going to face internally. A new me was also born that day alongside my daughter. I had unknowingly been living my life trying to maintain the facade that I was still my pre-baby self, when she no longer existed.
It was time to meet the new Jess.
