Prioritising Marriage - Truth #4
“We don’t have anyone to watch the kids.”
Our kids are learning about relationships FROM US.
Our kids’ beliefs and understanding of relationships are mostly formed BY THE TIME THEY REACH THE AGE OF SEVEN.
Our kids are highly observational. They are learning how the world works, by watching, listening and feeling how people interact around them. They are watching how their parents are talking and touching, and these observations help form their beliefs and behaviours around relationships that they will carry into adulthood.
If we are waiting to start prioritising our relationship until they’re ‘older’ we are missing the boat, and our kids pay the price through no fault of their own.
Our counsellor used to praise our parenting arrangements during our separation; despite all of our relationship issues, we had the parenting part “down pat”. But if that were true, would we have exposed our kids to countless, heated, verbal arguments, sold our treasured family home, or be shuffling them between two homes every few days at the tender ages of two and three? Would they be crying at bedtime for Dad or everytime he left the room because they didn’t understand our parenting arrangement? I don’t think so!
Just like you start going to the gym to get into shape, you rewrite your resume to apply for that job, or you make plans to catch up with your friend you haven’t seen in a while, you need to INTENTIONALLY START TAKING ACTION to reconnect and nurture your relationship too! Our kids are literally learning what to accept and expect of their future partner through watching OUR interactions. Learning how to identify and communicate needs, how much time they should spend together and how, what to prioritise, what to say and how to say it when things get challenging. If all they see is both partners on their phone all the time, not having genuine conversations, or lovingly touching each other, imagine what beliefs they are forming of relationships.
I carry so much guilt around what I exposed my children to during our dark period, and the beliefs that they have formed from it. But now, understanding and knowing how vital those first seven years of their development are in forming their beliefs of the world, I now have the power to take responsibility and take action and be intentional with how I act, and what I say in my relationships. Yes, I didn't necessarily have the healthiest of relationship role models around me growing up. But I'll be damned if I don't do everything I can in order to repair the damage I've already done, and ensure I am not adding to the mess!
I heard someone say that if your parents give you THIS much s***, and you give your kids this much s***, you've done a great job. It's impossible to be perfect, because perfection doesn't exist. But imagine the impact you could make by simply being a little bit more intentional with how you show up in your relationship. Please, please, please DO NOT wait until they're older to start. It's now, when they’re little, that has the greatest impact!
