Prioritising Marriage - Truth #2
“I’m not worried about that, this is just a season, we will come good once the kids are older.”
The LONGER you wait, the more SH*T you will have to work through!
I have been a stay-at-home mum now for over five years, and whilst it was my choice, and what we both agreed we wanted for our family, I have felt SOOOOOO much resentment toward my husband for it, and he toward me too! And ultimately, it was a major factor in our decision to separate.
I always noticed my resentment as jealousy.
Jealous he got to get out of the house each day
Jealous he slept so easily and wasn’t woken by the baby crying
Jealous he had a purpose and career outside of parenthood
Jealous he didn’t have to breastfeed
Jealous he had formed good relationships with coworkers whereas I couldn’t
Jealous of his energy and effortless playfulness, that I really struggled to muster
Jealous he earnt good money
My jealousy led to passive aggression where I’d make snappy remarks. We would find ourselves in ‘victim’ arguments about who ‘had it harder’.
Resentment is a common feeling that both mums and dads experience in some form during their early days as parents (and beyond if not addressed). It’s the build up of persistent feelings of bitterness, anger, jealousy and frustration due to perceived unfairness, unmet expectations and needs, and unresolved issues. Resentment causes us to pull away from our partner instead of leaning toward them in times of need.
Everytime you don’t address your feelings towards your mental load or how you're feeling unsupported or unappreciated by your partner, you are slowly building a wall between you both. And trust me, from experience, the higher you let this wall go, the harder it is to break through it, and the higher your likelihood your relationship will end. A Stanford University study revealed that 70% of women initiate divorce, and psychologists put this down to years of resentment building that stems from emotional miscommunication.
Resentment is a relationship killer. You CANNOT wait until your kids are older to start prioritising your relationship again! Just imagine the size wall you would have by then, from every little unmet emotional need that you did not address. You are risking your family’s future, and making it so much harder for you to break that wall down one day.
Start to take action today by:
Reflecting on where resentment is showing up in your life and specifically your relationship. It’s probably more present than you think!
Start an open, non-confrontational and compassionate discussion about resentment with your partner. If you don’t start the conversation today, when will you?
